If You Can’t Be You, Always Be Mariah Carey

I woke up at 4 a.m this morning absolutely DREADING the thought of starting my day. The thought of waking up and getting my mother, son, and myself ready to face life seemed so daunting. I hid under my blankets for a bit and wished that I could be someone else for a day. Who would I rather be? The President? No, too much work. My dog? Not a bad idea since her life seems pretty awesome, but nah. Then it slowly dawned on me. If you can’t be yourself, there’s only one other person you should be. If you can’t be you, always be Mariah Carey.
Stop rolling your eyes and hear me out. I get it, I know you think I’m crazy. I was never much of a Mariah fan growing up, although I appreciated her beautiful voice. In interviews she always seemed a bit quiet and reserved so I never paid much attention to her. Then, slowly, year after year passed..and Mariah lost her mind. She became an over-the-top caricature of herself. So now I’m all in. I LOVE crazy Mariah. Watching her prance around like a unicorn on crack half naked at the age of 46..come on. I want to have that attitude. Just for a day, I want to be Mariah “I don’t give a shit, look at me I’m a unicorn” Carey. There are so many reasons we should ALL want to be Mariah for a day, but here are just a few:
1. Her diamond microphone. The woman owns a diamond encrusted mic. Do you have any idea what I would do with a diamond microphone? I would take it with me to Pick and Save and interview shoppers in the produce area. I would wave it around in the air to interrupt conversations with people I don’t like. I would be a one woman parade, walking up and down my neighborhood twirling it like a baton. It’s a diamond fucking microphone!! Who wouldn’t want one? Mariah doesn’t have to own a diamond mic, she GETS to! I want to be the one who walks around with it just for one day.
2. The attractive group of men she surrounds herself with onstage. I would like an attractive group of men to follow me around all day long, and not for the reasons you’re thinking. I need one man to babysit my mom, another man to drive my son to school, another man to do dishes, and yet another man for laundry. I would ask for a fifth man to help me at work, but that’s just too much. Four men will do just fine. Where does Mariah find these men? Does she pay them? Do they work for free? No one knows. I only know that I’m jealous.
3. I once read that Mariah considers time irrelevant and never wears a watch. God bless her. I’ve been trying to invent KBT (Katie Bohn Time) for years! Sadly, the earth does not seem interested in revolving around me. I’ll keep trying.
4. She reportedly has demanded 20 white kittens and 100 doves in her concert rider. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t care if it’s true. I want 20 white kittens and 100 doves to trail behind me daily like I’m in a fucking Disney movie. Sign. Me. Up. Throw in some penguins while you’re at it.
5. She calls her fans “lambs”. I once called my son a lamb and he looked at me like I was insane. I would like to, just once, in the middle of a work interview with someone of importance, call them my lamb. Who needs a job anyway?
6. Last but not least, her money. We all want some of that Mariah money. I wouldn’t spend it on kittens and doves, though. I make smart choices with money. I’d buy an island and a unicorn. And a magical dragon for my son.
You’re free to judge me as much as you’d like, but I also know that you’re starting to agree. Being Mariah Carey doesn’t sound so bad, now, does it? It’s her attitude I find most attractive. The only problem is that this carefree, “I can do whatever I please” attitude only works for celebrities with lots and lots of money. We average folks can’t get away with this. Or maybe I just really want a unicorn. Is someone selling a unicorn on Craigslist?