As my son navigates his first year at a brand new school, I’ve found myself engaged in new learning experiences as well. I’ve learned which route is the fastest from my house to school. I’ve learned the best places to park near the school and which areas to avoid. I’ve learned the names of all my son’s new buddies. I have so much more to learn and process, but there is something that happens daily at my son’s school I plan on avoiding for the foreseeable future. I watch this event unfold much the same way one would watch a train wreck. I’m talking, of course, about school drop-off. More specifically, I’m referring to the parents who use the school’s parking lot drop-off system. Don’t get me wrong: The drop-off system is a beautiful thing when done correctly. You pull over, your child exits the car in a designated area, responsible adults are waiting to escort your child in the school building, and boom, you’re done. However, I’m more concerned with the parents who have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. These are the five parents you should try to avoid at all costs during drop-off:
1. “The rules don’t apply to me” parent. Um, yes. Yes they fucking do. You are not entitled to tailgate the car in front of you because you have to get to work. We all have to get to work. You are not entitled to cut someone off because you woke up late. Wake up earlier tomorrow. Repeat after me, Psycho Mom. “The rules apply to me as well.” Say it like you mean it. Please ,for the love of God, don’t raise your child to be as entitled as you are. Wait your turn and dial down the crazy.
2. The “tires squealing skid mark” parent. Hey! Did you hear that noise as you were pulling away? That was your child being dragged up the sidewalk by his scarf because you didn’t come to a complete stop. Come to a complete stop before letting your kid out of the car. Common sense, 101.
3. The “snail” parent. Hurry. The. Fuck. Up. This is not a Starbucks social. Put your latte in the cup holder and move along. There is a line of cars behind you with parents waiting to drop their own kids off. I know you want to say hi to your friend Carol and catch up on all the amazing shit she’s been doing, like finding all the deals on Target’s Cartwheel app, but the drop-off line is not the place to talk. Send Carol a text and be on your way.
4. The “blocking traffic” parent. Honey. Pull OVER. What the hell are you doing? You cannot parallel park in the middle of an effing parking lot! Have you lost your damn mind? Do you remember taking drivers ed? Actually, forget drivers ed: You should be required to pass an aptitude test in order to participate in the school drop-off system. Stupid should not be allowed in school parking lots.
5. The “confused” parent. You know this one all too well. This mom or dad has been using the drop-off line since September and still. Doesn’t. Have. A. Fucking. Clue. Sir or ma’am, I would like to direct your attention to the other parents who know the rules and have been paying attention. The Confused Parent is a combination of the above-mentioned parents with a little extra stupid thrown in. You’re allowed to be a bit confused the first week of school. You’re not allowed to be confused several months into the school year.
I will be completely honest: I’m slightly jealous of all these parents, no matter how dumb they are. My son likes for me to walk him to the door so I’m not allowed to drop-off from the safety of my car. However, in about two years the child won’t want to be associated with me at all so I will walk him to the door carrying all his shit like I’m his butler. This is what moms do. As soon as I’m banished to the role of chauffeur, I’ll see you in the drop-off line.