Month: January 2017

5 Lessons My Mother’s Dementia Has Taught My Son

I have a six-year-old son. I also have a 71 year-old daughter who happens to be my mother. I refer to her as my daughter because it’s an accurate description. My mother was diagnosed with dementia a little over two years ago. I bathe her, clothe her, feed her and care for her the same way one would care for a child. We all live together in the same house along with my husband and a very energetic dog. I live in constant fear: I fear the day my mom loses her mind completely. I fear my husband will wake up one day and join the circus, finally realizing that a circus would bring less drama than our day-to-day life. The one fear that exceeds all others, however, is the fear that my son will become emotionally scarred by the experience of watching me take care of his grandmother (who was once an energetic lady that played catch with him tirelessly) like she’s a child younger than himself. I worry about my son constantly because I would like for his life to be all unicorns and rainbows for as long as possible. I’m sad that he has front row seats to the horrors of dementia day after day. However, I’m becoming more and more conscious of the daily lessons he is learning from my mother. He’s learning things at the age of six that many adults have never learned, and quite possibly should have. There are five lessons in particular I feel my mother teaches my son every day:
1. Patience. Have you ever met a six-year-old? Not the most patient of creatures, are they? My son is no exception. He is an only child so he really never had to wait for anything. My husband and I were free to lavish attention on him constantly since we never had to divide our time between children. Now that the dementia has taken over my mother’s brain, my son’s needs sometimes have to be pushed aside. My mother gets first dibs on the bathroom so she doesn’t have an accident. My mother gets served meals first so she has plenty of time to eat. I sometimes have to tend to my mother first, making sure she’s comfortable and not anxious before I can begin playing with my child. Does my son like waiting his turn? No, not always, but patience is one of life’s necessities, and I’m glad he’s learning that lesson at a young age.
2. Kindness. My mother has mood swings and behavioral changes every time her medication is altered. On school days, I wake my mother a full hour before I wake my son so I can focus on each of them individually. After a recent medication dose increase, one morning my mother was extremely lethargic, unsteady on her feet, and much more confused than usual. As I walked her to and from the bathroom, terrified she would fall, my son decided to follow behind us pushing a chair so that if my mother fell backwards, she would fall into the chair. I did not tell my child to do this, it was completely his idea. My heart broke for the fact that my son even had to think of such an action. Yet I was also proud that my tiny little boy, the same kid that sometimes NEEDS his snack RIGHT NOW, was putting his grandmother first in such a kind-hearted way.
3. Respecting one’s elders. One day, each and every one of us will be old. I don’t know about you, but I sure hope when my time comes the younger generation will treat me with dignity and respect. My son learns this lesson daily as he clears plates for my mother, opens doors for her, and holds her hand to keep her steady. Our elders are a treasure and should be treated as such.
4. Acceptance. My mother is ill. She is not the same woman she was a couple of years ago. But she is still my mother. She is still my son’s grandmother. Accepting my mother’s illness and this new version of the woman I’ve known forever was an extremely difficult lesson for me to learn,much less my child. I’m hopeful that my son will continue to accept my mother as this disease progresses.
5. Strength. Dementia is not only an individual disease. Dementia affects an entire family. Dementia is evil. I look at my child and want to shield him and protect him from this evil. Yet I look at my child and see his strength. He can witness my mother’s anxiety and still build an entire city out of Legos. He can see my mother’s confusion and kick a soccer ball directly into a goal. My boy is strong, and I gain my own strength from his.
I cannot cure my mother of this horrid illness. I cannot cover my son’s eyes or keep him hidden in his room. So I comfort myself knowing that every day is a learning experience designed to build his already exceptional character. I could not be more proud.

If You Can’t Be You, Always Be Mariah Carey

I woke up at 4 a.m this morning absolutely DREADING the thought of starting my day. The thought of waking up and getting my mother, son, and myself ready to face life seemed so daunting. I hid under my blankets for a bit and wished that I could be someone else for a day. Who would I rather be? The President? No, too much work. My dog? Not a bad idea since her life seems pretty awesome, but nah. Then it slowly dawned on me. If you can’t be yourself, there’s only one other person you should be. If you can’t be you, always be Mariah Carey.
Stop rolling your eyes and hear me out. I get it, I know you think I’m crazy. I was never much of a Mariah fan growing up, although I appreciated her beautiful voice. In interviews she always seemed a bit quiet and reserved so I never paid much attention to her. Then, slowly, year after year passed..and Mariah lost her mind. She became an over-the-top caricature of herself. So now I’m all in. I LOVE crazy Mariah. Watching her prance around like a unicorn on crack half naked at the age of 46..come on. I want to have that attitude. Just for a day, I want to be Mariah “I don’t give a shit, look at me I’m a unicorn” Carey. There are so many reasons we should ALL want to be Mariah for a day, but here are just a few:
1. Her diamond microphone. The woman owns a diamond encrusted mic. Do you have any idea what I would do with a diamond microphone? I would take it with me to Pick and Save and interview shoppers in the produce area. I would wave it around in the air to interrupt conversations with people I don’t like. I would be a one woman parade, walking up and down my neighborhood twirling it like a baton. It’s a diamond fucking microphone!! Who wouldn’t want one? Mariah doesn’t have to own a diamond mic, she GETS to! I want to be the one who walks around with it just for one day.
2. The attractive group of men she surrounds herself with onstage. I would like an attractive group of men to follow me around all day long, and not for the reasons you’re thinking. I need one man to babysit my mom, another man to drive my son to school, another man to do dishes, and yet another man for laundry. I would ask for a fifth man to help me at work, but that’s just too much. Four men will do just fine. Where does Mariah find these men? Does she pay them? Do they work for free? No one knows. I only know that I’m jealous.
3. I once read that Mariah considers time irrelevant and never wears a watch. God bless her. I’ve been trying to invent KBT (Katie Bohn Time) for years! Sadly, the earth does not seem interested in revolving around me. I’ll keep trying.
4. She reportedly has demanded 20 white kittens and 100 doves in her concert rider. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t care if it’s true. I want 20 white kittens and 100 doves to trail behind me daily like I’m in a fucking Disney movie. Sign. Me. Up. Throw in some penguins while you’re at it.
5. She calls her fans “lambs”. I once called my son a lamb and he looked at me like I was insane. I would like to, just once, in the middle of a work interview with someone of importance, call them my lamb. Who needs a job anyway?
6. Last but not least, her money. We all want some of that Mariah money. I wouldn’t spend it on kittens and doves, though. I make smart choices with money. I’d buy an island and a unicorn. And a magical dragon for my son.
You’re free to judge me as much as you’d like, but I also know that you’re starting to agree. Being Mariah Carey doesn’t sound so bad, now, does it? It’s her attitude I find most attractive. The only problem is that this carefree, “I can do whatever I please” attitude only works for celebrities with lots and lots of money. We average folks can’t get away with this. Or maybe I just really want a unicorn. Is someone selling a unicorn on Craigslist?