It has recently come to my attention that my son’s school is hosting an event that every parent should beware of. It’s an elementary school event brought to you by the letter H, as in hell. I am of course referring to the ever-popular elementary school “family fun” dance. If your idea of family fun is equivalent to a root canal or Pap smear, then yes. You will have so much fun at this dance. As for the rest of you..well.. here are ten things you will witness at your child’s school dance:
1. Candy for sale. Let’s talk this over, shall we? Who in the hell decided this was a good idea? I would like to have been a fly on the wall at the PTA meeting where a parent stood up and said, “Hey! I have a great idea! Let’s turn off all the lights, blast music as loud as possible, and sell candy out in the hallway so our kids can get a sugar high and run around in the dark! Won’t that be fun?!” No, Brenda. No, honey. That will not fucking be “fun”. That sounds like a nightmare. Get your shit together and sell carrots instead.
2. Loud music. As in LOUD music. Do NOT leave your earplugs at home. Add to that the sound of hundreds of screaming children and you, my friend, have landed in New Orleans at the children’s version of Mardi Gras. Does that sound terrible? That’s because it fucking is.
3. Inappropriate song choices. It’s inevitable. It’s going to happen. The deejay will try to sneak a popular song into the playlist, and it will be a popular song that is NOT age appropriate. Do you want to see young kids dance to the soundtrack of Fifty Shades of Grey? Me neither. Stay home.
4. The awkward dad dancing. Pull up a chair and watch him grind in the middle of the dance floor. There’s one in every crowd. Trust me.
5. The screaming and crying child. Or, I should say, children. There won’t be just one. Someone will have stolen someone else’s Gummy bear, Tootsie Roll, or Blow POP and I guarantee a shit storm will ensue. If you thought the general “yay, we’re at a dance, we’re so happy!” screaming was bad, wait until you see the angry cry. Please say a prayer for the poor parent who will have to haul this demon home and attempt to put him/her to bed. Please.
6. Glow sticks. Oh, I’m sorry, did you think the last time you’d see a glow stick was at the rave you attended in high school? Buckle up, buttercup. You’re about to see tons of K4-5th graders lose their collective shit over a glow-in-the-dark stick. Enjoy.
7. Alcohol. Hahahah! Just kidding. But you’re going to wish this school had an open bar. My advice? Drink at home before going. You will need a little something something to take the edge off.
8. Brenda, the PTA President, getting her groove on right next to awkward dad. This is the same woman who tried to guilt you into baking those 100 cupcakes for the school bake sale. You better pull your phone out and film this. You’ll need that shit for bribing her later.
9. Your child’s teacher. Please say hello and make eye contact with this poor person. Please remember him or her at Christmas and during teacher appreciation week. They didn’t ask for this shit. They’re not getting paid to chaperone in hell. They’re there because they want to be. Why? Who the fuck knows but please thank them.
10. Heat. I don’t care if it’s -20 outside with a wind chill. It’ll be hotter than hell in that gym. Dress accordingly and please drink plenty of liquids before arriving. Water, beer, whiskey, I don’t give a shit. Just drink.
So. Those are the ten things you will see at this dance, but I also know something you won’t see: your kid. It’ll be so dark in that gym that you’ll lose track of your kid immediately and start panicking. Don’t you worry. Junior is having a blast. Seriously, though, when you find your child, can you help me look for mine?
You are hilarious!! I felt like I was at the dance