Motherhood is damn hard. As soon as your little nugget is born, your life becomes an endless list of “things I wasn’t prepared for.” We all expect to lose sleep, lose our minds, and learn to love this little person more than we ever thought possible. Some aspects of motherhood, however, hit us upside the head like a shot of tequila on an empty stomach. I’m writing this as a warning to mothers all across America. You will NOT be prepared to watch so many shitty children’s shows.
Go ahead, lie to yourself. “My precious will NEVER watch anything that isn’t educational!” Whatever you say. “My precious will ONLY watch children’s shows that I can enjoy as well!” Hope you enjoy furry creatures who can barely speak English, because that shit is headed in your direction. If you’re wondering which shows to avoid, you are in luck. These are the five kids shows that every mom hates:
1. Caillou . We need to fucking talk about Caillou. You may be asking yourself what a Caillou is. Caillou is not a thing. Rather, Caillou is a fictional character that the Canadians have invented to torture the world. The Canadians also brought us Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling, so I can almost forgive them for Caillou. Almost. Caillou is a four-year-old boy and the whiniest, most annoying fictional character you will ever meet. Caillou’s voice is nails-on-chalkboard, fork-scraping-against-teeth annoying. This is before he starts whining. And he will whine about something in every. Single. Episode. Caillou always feels he’s been wronged in some way. Newsflash, kid: You’re four. Life hasn’t even begun to fuck you over yet. He lives with his parents who regularly ship him over to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, presumably because Mom and Dad have to drink themselves into a coma to forget all the whining. I’m assuming, anyway. The drinking is done off camera. He also has a younger sister named Rosie who he is extremely jealous of. I’m waiting to see the “very special” episode of Caillou where the entire family stuffs him in a box and sells him on eBay. Do yourself a favor. Don’t let your kids watch this shit. Ever.
2. Dora the Explorer. Here’s the premise: A little girl named Dora goes off on an adventure in every episode with a talking backpack and a monkey named Boots. She’s always getting lost and asking for assistance from the viewing audience (which is your child unless you turn this horrible show off.) Her parents are pretty much M.I.A most likely because they’re drinking with Caillou’s parents. My son watched this show several times when he was about three-years-old. I will never forget the moment Dora was looking for a particular tree, asking the viewers at home for help. My son screamed at the t.v “It’s right in front of you!!!!” Then he shut the television off and brought me a book to read instead. My kid was so annoyed that he chose a BOOK over t.v time. So, ok, maybe Dora is good for something.
3. Teletubbies. What are the Teletubbies? No fucking clue. There are four of them named Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po. They have televisions in their stomachs and a magical event takes place during every episode. They don’t talk, they just babble incoherently. The entire show is like a bad LSD trip, if people were still tripping on LSD. If you see this shit on your tv screen, turn it off and say no to drugs.
4. The Wiggles. A musical (I use that term loosely) band from Australia. If your child ever happens to catch an episode of this show, do yourself a favor and just throw your tv out of the house. Do it. After hearing four grown ass men annoy the hell out of you with their song and dance routine, you’ll never be the same again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
5. Elmo. One word. I know Sesame Street is a wonderful, educational show that’s been around for years. I also know that Sesame Street is not technically Elmo’s show as it features many other characters. Elmo, however, needs to be handed his walking papers. It’s time. The worst mistake I ever made as a parent was buying a Tickle-Me Elmo doll for my son. Elmo dolls should be used as a torture device by the CIA when interrogating criminals. Anyone left alone with that crazy doll in a cold, dark room will give up all kinds of government secrets. The end.
These shows should be avoided at all cost. Do not say you weren’t warned about this. Wrestle that remote out of your kid’s hand and turn that tv off. Read. Go for a walk. Your sanity is at stake.