School is out, the weather is warm, and having my son home every single day is wonderful. The problem? Um, let’s just say that seven-year-old boys are not the most quiet of humans. The sheer amount of talking, yelling, and screaming that comes out of that tiny little mouth is staggering. As much as I love hearing my son speak and voice his opinions, there are five things I never want to hear him say ever again:
1. “Hey, Mom, watch this!!” No. I can’t. I fucking can’t watch this. I am told to “watch this” 7,345,355 times a day. It’s a rough estimate, but pretty damn accurate. While “watching this”, I usually stand in one spot with a frozen smile on my face and pretend to be impressed with the incredibly boring shit that my son is doing. Sometimes, “watch this” is followed by a dangerous stunt that has me simultaneously yelling and sending up silent prayers to the heavens. I have yet to be impressed with anything that follows a “watch this.” Listen up, kid: Are you working on something educational that will benefit your life? Yes, I will be happy to watch that. Are you perhaps doing a science experiment and attempting to find the cure for various communicable illnesses? I would LOVE to watch that. Are you standing in the middle of my kitchen in your underwear balancing a spoon on your nose while you hum “The Star-Spangled Banner?” Then no. I can’t watch that shit for the millionth time. Sorry.
2. “Hey, Mom, are you ready?!” No I am not fucking ready. In my house, an “are you ready” is followed by anything from a football to the face to the possible launching of an atomic bomb. I am ready for none of it. Not a single fucking thing. Perhaps if the child followed an “are you ready”with a homemade pie or a poetry slam, then I would be ready. I’m always ready for some poetry. I would also be more than ready to read a book or draw a picture. I’m never ready for a tiny child to hurl various balls at me full speed.
3. “Hey Mom, I’m bored!!” I haven’t been bored in seven years. I would give anything to be bored. “Bored” means sitting on my ass not doing anything. Bored is fucking amazing!!! Unfortunately, children don’t agree. It doesn’t matter how many toys my son has. It doesn’t matter how many games I play with him or how many times he runs through the outdoor sprinkler. He is always bored. I’m so jealous. Don’t you worry, though. I have a plan. The next time my son says he’s bored, I will pile math workbooks in front of him and watch the horrified look on his face. He won’t be fucking bored then.
4. “Hey Mom, wanna play?!” Yes I know. I know some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking aloud what kind of sick, selfish person wouldn’t want to play with her own son? Me. I’m the selfish person. My son’s favorite part of playing a game he invented is laying down the ground rules. The most important rule in every game he invents is this: I am NOT the winner. Ever. If I happen to be winning, the rules will suddenly change mid game and he will emerge victorious. So do I want to play a game where I’m always the loser, no matter what I do? Do I want to play a game where I can’t do anything correctly, no matter how hard I try? Absolutely not.
5. “Hey Mom, it’s not fair!” Suck it up, buttercup. Neither is life. Before you judge me for being too harsh, I must explain what the boy is referring to when he says that something isn’t fair. The child is referring to EVERYTHING. He’s not allowed to eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner: Not fair. He must brush his teeth daily: Not fair. He must pick up his toys and put them away after he’s done playing with them: Not fair. I’m not entirely sure he understands what the word “fair” even means. I could go the rest of my life without hearing that something isn’t fair, especially when it is.
This summer I am vowing to completely eliminate these phrases from my child’s vocabulary. You have your goals, I have mine. Pray for me.