As parents, we are all bound together with common hopes, dreams, and experiences we have had with our children. There is one experience we have all shared that is life altering beyond words. It produces feelings of anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, and inadequacy for even the most seasoned parents. I am of course referring to children’s birthday parties. The planning and execution of a kid’s birthday party is right up there with the Presidential Inaugural Ball. Where will we have this party, who should we invite, what should I wear, wait, they’re asking for how much to rent that place for an hour?! These are all questions party planning parents ask themselves daily. I’m here to help you with a very specific party detail: the party favor bag. We all know what it is. We’ve either filled one ourselves with toys and trinkets to show our appreciation to those children attending our child’s party, or our own child has received one from a party he/she has attended. I am breaking it down for you in no uncertain terms. These are the five things you must NEVER put in a party favor bag:
1) A whistle. If you find yourself at the store contemplating whether to include a whistle as a parting gift for the birthday party attendees, here’s what you do: Put the whistle down, back away slowly, and pretend you never saw it. Why? Every parent who attended your kid’s party will hate you at 6 a.m. the next morning when their child decides to blow into that shit as loudly as possible, waking up babies and cats. Unless you want retaliation in the form of a bullhorn and cowbell at the next party YOU attend, I suggest you leave that whistle on the store shelf where it belongs.
2)A yo-yo. Here’s why: “Hey, Mom, watch this! Watch this trick I can do! Mom, watch! Are you watching? MOM! WATCH!” I’ve been watching for the last 15 minutes and the only trick I’ve seen is my kid getting his foot caught in the string. I will never get that time back thanks to that effing yo-yo you stuck in that bag. Thanks.
3) Those tiny ass rubber bouncy balls. I will spend the rest of the week moving furniture around trying to get the damn thing out from whatever nook or cranny it has rolled into. I will also curse your name each time I have to pick the ball up. Do you want me to swear at you? Of course not, so no tiny ass ball.
4) Sugar Pixie Stix, otherwise known as crack for kids. My kid will try to open it in the car and get it all over his clothes and the backseat while lapsing into a sugar coma. Do I want my kid looking like colorful crack? No, so leave the sugar at the store.
And last but not least,
5)Any living or breathing creature. I have never had this happen to me, but a friend of mine told me about a party she went to where her child received a homemade small plastic ant farm as a parting gift. If you send my kid home with an ant farm, I’m coming to your house and “accidentally” dropping it on your floor. Better hide your Pixie Stix.
I will be completely honest and say that I may have sent a child home with one of the above mentioned items at least once. Definitely not the ant farm or whistle though, so cut me some slack. So let’s make a deal: I will never send your child home with any of these items ever again if you agree to do the same. Agree?
If not, I got your cowbell and ant farm right here