5 Things I Won’t Be Doing in 2017

I generally do not have the best of luck with New Year’s resolutions. Every year on January 1st bright and early at 6 a.m I vow to eat healthy and be more organized both at work and in my personal life. I vow to keep my anxiety in check and take the new year in stride. By 10 a.m I’ve ripped open a bag of Cheetos, lost most of the important paperwork I’ve left laying around, and called it a year. So what’s the point of resolving to do things differently when I clearly have no self control? With the new year looming right around the corner, I have yet again decided to change some things about my life. However, instead of focusing on the things I WILL do in 2017, I’m focusing on what I will NOT do. Yes, I realize this is the same thing but allow me to be delusional, won’t you? This is my blog after all. Here are the five things I will not be doing next year:
1. I will NOT compare myself to other moms. I am not the mom who stays up until two in the morning baking cupcakes for my son’s entire class. I am the mom who drops an f bomb and runs to the store at the last minute because I forgot it was my turn to bring treats. I am not the mom with the big ass purse filled with sanitary wipes, Band Aids, first aid kit, etc. I swear, I have seen moms with more utensils in their purse than doctors. I won’t be performing surgery on any playground. I do not have a pen for you to borrow. If you need some scraps of paper and stale gum, however, I’ve got you covered. So basically, I’m not the mom who has it all together at all times. But I am the mom who loves my son very much. I am the mom who will drop everything to play with him at any time. I am the mom who tries to be as involved with his life as possible. I will try to focus on those things instead of worrying about all the ways I don’t measure up to others. Maybe I’ll even throw a scalpel in my purse in case of emergencies.
2. I will NOT obsess about my weight. Over the last year, I’ve become more conscious of the poor eating habits I have developed over the past my-whole-life. I do not aspire to be supermodel skinny. I do not aspire to fit into a pair of skinny jeans. I do not plan on eating only kale for the rest of my life. I do, however, want to be as healthy as possible. I want to be able to play with my son and have enough energy to keep up with a six-year-old who thinks he’s a cross between David Beckham and Aaron Rodgers. That is no easy feat, people. So healthy is the way to go. Ripping open a bag of Cheetos at 10 in the morning is not right. Those are best saved for after dinner.
3. I will NOT stress about things that are beyond my control. I have a job, a husband, a child, and a mother with dementia. There is only so much control I have over certain situations. I cannot change the fact that my mother will laugh with me over a funny joke one minute and forget where the bathroom is the next minute. I cannot change the fact that I have to divide my time between my mother and my son like I have two kids instead of one. All I can do is my best. I don’t always feel like that’s good enough, but it has to be.
4. I will NOT go out of my way to please everyone. I’ve been saying this since 2007, but this year I really mean it, I swear. I am an only child and a people pleaser. This is what I do. This is who I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that it fucking sucks. You CAN’T please everyone. There’s no way. It’s important to please my family by being there for them in every way possible. It’s important to please my boss because I need a job. It’s important to please my friends because they’re good people who know how crazy I am and still choose to stick around. It is NOT important to please every single person I come into contact with. Quite honestly, I’m exhausted. If you like me, great. If you don’t, you’re smarter than you know. Congratulations.
5. I will NOT swear so much in 2017. Just kidding. If you think I can do all of this without swearing next year, you’re out of your damn mind.
By now you’ve realized that I’ve only promised to do four things instead of five and you’re wondering if this entire post is a lie. Short answer: I hope not. I am posting this for the world to see (by “world” I mean all four of you reading this) because I truly am serious about attempting to do all of this. Here’s hoping I make it past January 1, 2017 10 a.m. I’m shooting for at least 6 p.m