We need to hit the bar before the barre

There was a time back B.C. (Before Child) when I actually thought exercise and staying in shape were somewhat important. Like many women, I’ve always struggled with my weight and self image. I spent most of my school years overweight until I finally got my stuff together upon graduating college and slowly began eating healthier food and working out. I was NEVER what you would call skinny, even at my lowest weight, but still. I felt good about myself and that was all that mattered.
Then one day I found out I was pregnant. Naturally, I gained weight. After my beautiful boy was born, of course I told myself I would go back to eating healthy food and exercising. Of course I didn’t. My life revolved around raising the little one so my health was the last thing on my mind. When my mom was diagnosed with dementia a few years later and I took on the challenge of caring for her at home, my free time dwindled even further. From 2010-2015 I could probably count the number of times I worked out on one hand.
I work as a news research assistant so in October of 2015 I received word that my new assignment would involve health and trying out different exercise programs. I was so excited because I knew this is exactly what I needed to jumpstart my workout motivation. As I listened to my boss list all the classes I’d be required to take, he suddenly stopped mid sentence and said, ” Hey! Have you ever been to a bar class?” Um, no, but sign me up. I’m not sure what drinking in a bar has to do with health and fitness, but who was I to question my boss? If he wants me to drink, then that’s what I’ll do. This is my job! I have a very strong work ethic.
When I asked him what I would be drinking, he laughed and laughed. And laughed. Then he explained that it was actually a “barre” class. Ballet? I was horrified. I immediately started making plans to head to a bar before the barre. That was the only way this was going to work.
A couple weeks later I was ready to take my first class. I watched a couple of YouTube videos, so I figured I was set. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but how bad could this be? I didn’t see anyone doing burpees.  Burpees are the work of Satan, so anything else I could handle.
Or so I thought. Here are five things you should know before taking your first barre class:
1) You will meet your instructor and be bowled over by how sweet she is. Then the music will start and you’ll wonder who the hell replaced your sweet instructor with the mean one telling you to “lift this, tuck that, remember why you’re here, hold yourself accountable, fix your posture, and you can do anything for 30 seconds!” I am letting you know right now: There are definitely some things you cannot do for thirty seconds.
2) Everyone who walks into that room looks like an effing supermodel. Ok, maybe not everyone, but close enough. Naomi Campbell will be on your left, Gisele Bundchen on your right. My first month going to barre I would sit on the floor before class started pretending to stretch but really bargaining with God: Please let the next person who walks in here be someone who eats. This is Wisconsin! C’mon, please! One day I was thrilled to see a woman walk in who actually looked like she had eaten a sandwich in the last week. Upon closer inspection, I realized she was pregnant. What the hell, that doesn’t count! She should be at home eating! Isn’t that what we all do when we’re pregnant? Way to make us all look bad, pregnant lady.
3) About halfway through the class, the instructor will tell you to “slide into your best split.” This is not a joke. You will look around and realize that everyone in that room is a gymnast. Except for you. You do whatever you need to do during this time. Fake it til you make it. It’ll all be over soon, I promise.
4) Nobody in this class sweats because they are all superhuman robots. If you keep telling yourself this, you’ll feel better about being the only one who does. Well, no, you won’t feel better. But you’ll chuckle a little.
5) The shaking. Can we talk about the shaking? Apparently this is your goal. Instructors will actually yell out ” Great shake!” when you’re in the middle of what feels like a grand mal seizure while doing one of the barre exercises. You won’t be able to walk straight for the rest of the day. Good luck.
So. After reading all this you’re probably congratulating me on finishing my assignment and leaving that place as quickly as possible. Actually, I’m still going. Here’s why: It doesn’t matter if you’re not a thin supermodel. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is. You’re not there for everyone else. You’re there for you. It’s pretty amazing when you start seeing changes in your body and feel yourself getting stronger. So there are worse things than being in a room full of supermodels. Embrace the shake