I remember feeling so alone when my son was a new-born. The majority of my friends at the time were either single without kids or married without kids. My husband and mother both did what they could to help me, but something was lacking. Especially for me, the new mom who never babysat another human being a day in her life before popping out this baby. Never changed a diaper, had no clue what to put in a diaper bag, was never responsible for another human. I would have failed any parenting test given to me. My mother tried to give me advice, but I’m an only child and she hadn’t been around a baby in 30 years. My friends without kids were great at being supportive, but there was only so much advice they could give me. And of course, the usual suspects were always willing to dispense the I-know-you-didn’t-ask-for-my-opinion-but-here-it-is-anyway advice. You know the type. I was constantly saying things like,”Yes,honey, I know you mean well but having three cats and a parakeet is NOT the same as having a child,I promise.” Or “Yes, boo, calling a cab instead of driving yourself home from the bar after puking three times was very responsible,but you still shouldn’t be handing out parenting advice,mmmkay?” I needed one thing: A Mom Friend. Searching for The Mom Friend was like searching for the Holy Grail. I needed an awesome friend who was going through/had gone through the same emotions I was feeling and the same experiences. She would be smart, funny, and brutally honest without being judgmental. Now I just had to find her! Where the hell is she?!
As my son has gotten older, I’ve been very lucky to meet the type of moms I’ve always wanted to be friends with. I’ve also met…..other moms. Very nice people. Great people. Really great. Just…well. Not very relatable. At least to me. These are the four types of mom I cannot relate to AT ALL:
1) Rainbows and Unicorns Mom. And puppies. And glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. She claims that her kids are ALWAYS well behaved because, by golly, why wouldn’t they be? Her kids get straight A’s, cook, clean, do their chores without being asked, and NEVER fight. They volunteer at soup kitchens! They donate their toys to the less fortunate! They shit gerbera daisies and peonies! They. Are. Amazing!! You’ve never seen them do any of this, of course, and you could swear you just saw little Jessica pull little Vicki’s hair as hard as possible, but no. Rainbows and Unicorns mom assures you that they are angels. And maybe they are. I cannot relate to this type of mom because I would rather talk to her the day her kids stop pooping out flowers and rainbows. Or the day she finally withdraws from the drugs, sorry I meant MAGIC, she’s been ingesting. Basically, I would rather talk to her when she becomes a real person.
2)Pinterest Mom. You walk into her house and she’s made origami figurines out of toilet paper. She makes her own soap, laundry detergent, and floor wax. I can’t relate to her because I woke up this morning. That’s it. End of list. That’s all I’ve done with my life. God Bless you, Pinterest Mom. You’re free to come over to my house and spruce things up any time.
3) Always Put Together Mom. This one has four kids, two dogs, a cat, and a gerbil and still manages to look like she stepped off the cover of Vogue Magazine. Never a hair out of place. Makeup doesn’t run. Immaculate. I can’t relate to her because I can’t believe she’s a real person. And I’m pretty sure she’s on the same “MAGIC” as Rainbows and Unicorns mom.
And finally:
4) Competitive Mom. You tell her you’ve started a new workout regime: She did it last year. You tell her your kid just started reading: Hers is writing a novel. Your kid won his first track meet: Hers just made the Olympic team. At a certain point you can’t help but wonder: Are your kids really this amazing, or are you pushing them to their breaking point? Have you really done it all or are you just a big ‘ol mess who constantly needs to prove herself? Either way, I can’t relate to you. Bye, Felicia.
I thank God every day that my friends know nothing about unicorns, buy soap from the store, and don’t always have time to dress to impress. Best of all, we support one another. Because that’s what friends do